When Your Favorite Dress Is Timeless But Your Body Isn’t
The Perfect Dress For The Perfect Date
I enjoyed walking with confidence into the restaurant on my husband’s arm. We enjoyed an appetizer which we usually forego when we go out to eat. It was a special occasion so we splurged at every level. I believe it was about this time after the appetizers that I began to feel a little uncomfortable in my shapewear.
Waist Cinchers for Petites Pose a Problem
I hadn’t realized that the waist cincher had boning in it. Boning is a stiff plastic or metal piece running the entire height of the shapewear. There were two in the front and two in the back of my cincher. It would not have been a problem at all except that I am a petite and I am short waisted.
That presented a unique problem most women wouldn’t have. The boning was longer than my section it was cinching, so it was actually piercing into my top rib bone just under my breast. It was distracting from all the sensory pleasures of the palate I was attempting to enjoy in this meal.
Nothing a Pocket Knife Can’t Fix
I excused myself from the table to the ladies room. I had a plan to fix this problem. In the ladies room I quickly pulled out my Swiss Army knife. What? You don’t carry a pocket knife with you? Well you would have been in a pickle if you had been in my shoes without a pocket knife. Maybe you should get one.
I carefully cut a tiny slit at the top of each boning. This boning was metal. No wonder it was hurting. It was easy to slip the boning right out and I just put it in my purse and slipped right back into my seat at the table. Now I was much more comfortable eating my meal. Shapewear challenge resolved.
After our salads, main course and dessert we were completely satisfied and ready to go. I gathered my things and stood up to leave. That’s when I noticed a bulky bunch that looked like an inflated flotation device under my dress right at my middle. Shapewear malfunction! I quickly plopped back into my chair absent of any grace or dignity, in sheer panic.
Remember this is a fitted stretchy dress. It was not unnoticeable. And since we always go for the early bird to avoid the crowds, the restaurant was empty enough for people to notice me as I walked out. But not empty enough for my satisfaction at that moment.
I wondered why they bothered with boning in a waist cincher as I was cutting it out with my pocket knife. The thing was tight enough to stay in place, I thought to myself. Why did the company waste money putting boning in the product? How stupid? Unnecessary discomfort. By the time I had cut the last boning out, I had mentally written a product review suggesting a better design without the boning.
Well NOW I can tell you why they put boning in waist cinchers. They are to keep the elastic from rolling up into a tire shaped bunch around your waist!
I called upon an escape plan from my most embarrassing moment of my entire life, over 30 years ago. I’ve not healed enough over that mortifying experience to tell it publicly yet. I took my jacket (thank GOD I had brought a jacket) and draped it over my arm to conceal the front view of my tire tube and had Don put his arm around the back of my middle to conceal the back view. Vanity of vanities. Probably nobody was looking but I felt like everyone was staring.
There is NO moral of the story. No redeeming lessons to be learned. It’s just an embarrassing moment from a shapewear malfunction. Wait, maybe the malfunction isn’t in the shapewear? Maybe it was in my thinking there was no purpose in the design of the shapewear, when in reality there totally was. When I tried to remove a distinctly functional element of the shapewear, I changed the design and therefore it’s ability to perform it’s function. The result was a malfunction.
Maybe there is a redeeming lesson in this story? It’s entirely possible that whatever came to your mind when you read the previous paragraph is the point you were intended to get.
Regardless of what you got, I hope you laughed, even if just for a moment. Laughter is healing to the bones.